Lately I've been thinking a lot about the privilege of heartbreak. It sounds impossible, but not when God is involved. I truly believe that the deeper the pain we experience, the deeper we get to experience God. He enters into our pain as He comforts us, heals us, strengthens us, and grieves with us and it allows us to get to know Him in a deep and intimate way.
When a husband + wife lose a child, they learn things about each other as they grieve that they most likely would never encounter if their child did not die. In much the same way, when we endure heartbreak we encounter God in a whole new way. We learn new things about Him. I remember just days after my first miscarriage feeling in awe of God as He met me in the midst of all of the promises He made to comfort me. (2 Corinthians 1, Matthew 5:4, Psalm 34:18, Psalm 147:3).
He comforted me in ways I never imagined! Until I needed His deep, everlasting, hope-filled, gentle comfort, I had never even really given thought as to how He would provide that comfort. Within days of our loss I knew. He wraps us up in His peace when we feel overwhelmed. He puts us on the hearts of others to pray for us or to reach out and send a text, card, phone call, etc. (Galatians 6:2). He orchestrates the perfect song to play just when you need it. He leads you to a passage in His Word and speaks to you through it (Hebrews 4:12). He listens as you pour your heart out to Him (Psalm 62:8).
There is something about being broken that either leads us straight to the arms of God or running in the opposite direction. When you believe He is sovereign as I do, it can be a hard pill to swallow sometimes when you reflect on how He could have spared you from such heartbreak. But I believe with my whole heart that He is good. I know without a doubt that He will not cause heartbreak without allowing something new to rise up and flourish from the ashes (Isaiah 61 + Psalm 92:12-14). He is just wonderful like that.
Sometimes the good that comes out of a terrible situation is simply getting to know God more. Experiencing Him in a way that you hadn't before. There are most likely other things going on behind the scenes that we are not privy to (Isaiah 55:8). But for me, drawing near to God in the midst of heartbreak and learning more about Him, getting to know Him on a deeper level, is good enough reason to endure trials of this life. Because the deeper I love Him, the deeper my longing expands to not only just seeing my two little babies someday, but getting to be with Him eternally.
It would be a truly hard choice between enduring loss but getting to meet God in the depths of my heartbreak as I have or never enduring loss and never meeting Him in the ways I have. I can't even describe how badly I wish my children were in my arms. So many raw emotions accompany that deep desire. But my deepest desire is to be okay with whatever God calls me to walk through. I'm not quite there yet. Some days it's easy to get mad and question God and threaten to give up on everything. But I pray I can get to a point where I can truly sing with all of my heart: