Since I often talk about the importance of getting into the Word, I started a series where I share one scripture or passage of scripture each Wednesday and talk about why it has meant so much to me. I hope it encourages you to get into the Word and to use these scriptures as starting points perhaps, but to also find meaningful things in the Bible on your own as well.
Ever since my first miscarriage I feel like I've been on a roller coaster; highs and lows that I feel are out of my control. But I've noticed there is one thing that keeps me stable, and that is God's Word. Hebrews 4:12 says that it is ALIVE, meaning that we can interact and engage with it! When you open His Word with an open mind, He will fill it as you read and you will walk away feeling encouraged, challenged, peaceful, and joyful no matter your earthly circumstances!
Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
I will surely defend my ways to his face.
| JOB 13:15 |
I love how real this scripture is. When you're in the midst of suffering you get to a point where you can't sugarcoat things anymore. And if anyone has permission to feel that way, it's Job. After both of my losses I felt like I was very serious for about a month; I didn't enjoy small talk or joking around (which is out of character for me). And I still struggle with answering the dreaded question of, "How are you?" I don't want to fake fine, but I also don't want to make a person uncomfortable and tell them that I'm not fine.
Job's words kind of define how my life was for several months after my second loss this past September. I became really angry at just about everything other than God for a month or so. But slowly I even got angry at Him. The funny thing is, though, even though I was mad and felt so abandoned by God, I never stopped believing He was there. I knew He existed and I also knew that despite how hopeless I was feeling, I'd feel even more hopeless without Him.
He is the light! There is no darkness in Him at all and I think there was something deep down in my soul that recognized this fact and knew I couldn't give up on Him. Something in me knew that even though it felt dark, there was still the smallest flicker of hope telling me to keep holding on.
This verse also reminds me a little of Hezekiah in 2 Kings 20 from last week. I'm sure Hezekiah wasn't feeling altogether joyful after receiving a death sentence from his Lord. In fact, if I were him I'd have been feeling pretty hopeless and upset with God. But there was something in Hezekiah that he knew God was his only hope; if he wanted to live he'd have to seek the One who just told him he was going to die.
The King James Version translates Job 13:15 a little differently:
"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him:
but I will maintain mine own ways before him."
We can only hope in something that we trust in. The reason we feel hopeless in some situations is because we do not trust that God is able to answer our request or solve the problem. When we trust God can do it, then we can hope in the outcome.
Recently I was sitting in church and was watching all of the young mothers with their children. My breath caught in my throat as the familiar feeling of hopeless despair began to rise up in me. It always astounds me how quickly I can transition from feeling fine to feeling terrible. I wrote in my church notebook, "Lord, will I ever get to hold one of my babies this side of heaven?"
Maybe a minute later I opened up Instagram and saw a quote from I Am Fruitful:
Any area of my life for which I have no hope is under the influence of a lie. -Bill Johnson
Though thoughts plague me; though I feel forgotten; though I feel like it's impossible; though I feel depressed; though I am anxious; though I grieve; though I get angry; though I am sad...
yet will I trust & hope in Him.
Remember to check out what my friend Anne Marie is doing over at The Loved Bible Project! She wrote this sweet post about Wednesdays In The Word and how we are teaming up! Each week I will continue to post about a scripture that has helped me in my time of loss and Anne Marie is going to make a free printable that you can find in her Resources page! We encourage you to print it out and spend time soaking in God's Word as you decorate it and then include it in your own Bible or start working on a Loved Bible!