Lettered Hope

April 15, 2018

Jessica ScheksComment
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A lot can change in a year.

Last year I wrote this post in tears as I celebrated and mourned our second child's due date who we lost on September 2nd, 2016 and anticipated Resurrection Sunday the next day like never before.

I remember how the months that stretched between losing her and her due date were full of despair. I was clinging to the Lord with all the strength I could muster, and it wasn't much.

Mixed into that grief was the roller coaster of trying to conceive. Each month was met with tears and heartache as I realized that, once again, my womb would remain empty. I cannot begin to explain how this type of grief adds to the depth of the grief of loss. It was more than enough to make me feel like I was drowning. Looking back, I have no idea how I made it through. It was hands down the hardest season of my life and yet I felt ashamed; as if I did not deserve to grieve so hard, and so I kept it locked up in my heart.

Trigger Warning: Scrolling past the photo below will bring you to the announcement of a healthy pregnancy.

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This past December, I took a pregnancy test expecting it to be negative just like it had been every other month for over the last year. It was only three days before Christmas and I was dreading the holidays because I felt anything but festive. And yet this time, the test was positive. It was five in the morning on December 22nd, 2017, and suddenly I was filled with joy. I was carrying our third child! The best Christmas present I've ever received.

The first trimester was so scary as I went through tests, began taking blood thinning shots two times a day, and had a few scares. Not to mention the awful around-the-clock morning sickness that made me lose 15 pounds. However I think the sickness helped keep me distracted from worrying too much and reassured me that this was a healthy pregnancy.

And here I am on April 15th, a day that was filled with only sorrow last year, now filled with joy. I am just days away from being half way through this pregnancy and instead of tears falling as I type, I feel our third daughter, Ella Brooke, moving around in my belly. She is due September 5th, just three days after her big sister's birthday. And I am secretly hoping that they will share a birthday.

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As cliche as it may sound, God's timing amazes me. In the thick of the wait I would not have said that. I probably would have cried if someone said it to me. But nevertheless, I cannot believe I've made it this far in a pregnancy. I used to ache as I wondered if I'd ever get to wear maternity clothes and have a cute little bump or if I'd ever have an adorable profile shot of my child in an ultrasound. It still feels so surreal to me.

I've always loved the name Ella. Once we found out we were expecting a girl I knew that was the name I wanted to use but we could not think of a middle name we liked. I never in a million years would've guessed I'd use the name 'Brooke' but it just fits. Ella means 'light' and Brooke means 'God's promise.' To me, she is the light of God's promise.

I haven't blogged for months and I hope this post serves to encourage because I know how devastating a pregnancy announcement can feel. Goodness do I know. But I pray that for each momma reading this today who finds herself still in the wait, that she would recognize God's faithfulness in my story and claim His faithfulness over her own life and story. He is good. And He does good.