I've never really gone through a trial before that caused me to lean on the Lord so intensely. There haven't been too many seasons of life until now where I truly had to take things day by day, sometimes even moment by moment. I've never had to unknowingly wait. Sure, I had to wait quite a while to marry Michael since we started dating so young. But I still knew that eventually we would get married. It is so hard not knowing if we will ever be blessed with children here on earth. It is scary to have such an intense desire while not knowing if it will ever be fulfilled. I want to be pregnant and I want to have a baby SO bad. But I need to desire being in the Lord's presence and in His Word more than I desire to be pregnant or to have children. And if I'm being honest, sometimes that's hard.
So I began studying scriptures that came to my mind about waiting and putting the Lord first. I read through Matthew 6 first so I could understand the context behind Matthew 6:33.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
I've noticed that when you're going through a trial different things stand out to you while reading the Bible and meditating on His Word. Sometimes I feel like I have a lot of "duh!" moments, or such simple truths that it almost seems painful that I didn't grasp something before the way I do now. But to me it feels like an "aha!" moment, like I just discovered a deep doctrinal truth. But really, I think that is just the Lord's way of teaching us exactly what we need during a specific season. He opens our eyes to what we need through each trial we face.
So while reading Matthew 6:33 these were my thoughts: Don't worry about things of the future because God knows what you need and what you don't have now you don't need now -- just focus on the Lord and all of your needs will be supplied.
So simple, yet hard to live out when you're struggling with the deep desire of having children.
Then I read Psalm 37:4, 5, and 7. I feel like Psalm 37:4 is the classic scripture people use whenever they want something.
Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
I think that people focus too much on the last part of the scripture and not the first part. Because if you are truly delighting yourself in the Him, your desires will begin to align with His will for you. I can't desire having a baby more than I desire God or else when He fulfils my desire I'll put my baby before Him. My delight in the Lord cannot be dependent upon circumstances; I can only find complete joy and fulfillment in the Lord.
The very next verse says:
Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass."
This gives a little insight into what it takes to have your desires fulfilled. And then I looked at Psalm 37:7:
Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
I don't want to let waiting ruin an entire season of my life. I can't waste this suffering I'm experiencing because God intends for me to learn something in my suffering. This verse tells me to wait patiently, not to worry about others or try to make things happen on my own. When I rest in God and trust Him to take care of me, then I can stop trying to make things happen on my own; it's a wonderful feeling to just be able to rest in God -- knowing that He's working and that He will make known what He is doing at the right time.
I ended my study (for now) on Psalm 145:16, which has quickly become my favorite scripture in this season of suffering and waiting:
Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing.
Then I noticed that several verses later, Psalm 145:19 says:
He will fulfil the desire of them that fear him: he also will hear their cry, and will save them.
Such a comfort. But it also tells me what I must do. I have to to fear the Lord, and in this particular scripture, the Hebrew word for fear is "yare," which means to be in awe of and to be astonished. I picture myself being consumed with Him and only Him and to let His love, grace, mercy, and goodness wash over me daily, and to spend my time seeking Him. And if I fill up my days living in that way, He will complete me; I won't need a baby to complete me. I won't need anything except for Him. And often times, when you become content right where you're at, the Lord will fulfil desires, reveal new ones, and bless you in ways you hadn't thought of before. When you are content in Him, you may find a trial or circumstance to be a blessing in your life that you surely would not think was a blessing if you were not truly content in Him. He knows what is best, He loves me more than I love myself.
It is really hard to quench the strong, deep desire I have to hold a child in my arms. But I have to quench it just enough that I desire the Lord even more. Say a prayer for me if you could, asking the Lord to inspire me to study His Word and spend time with Him and to give me strength even when I don't feel like doing it.
Who knows if He'll bless me exactly the way I want Him to. He rarely does. But if I can just get to the point of being content in Him, I'll be content with whatever He gives me.