The last two weeks I have found myself searching everywhere online looking for answers. I don't want an answer for why this happened, it's like I'm searching and hoping to find some type of advice or something that will help me feel better. With each promising article title I find I feel that little bit of hope before I click on it to read it further, hoping that this will be THE article; the one that changed everything and made me feel so much better.
But it recently hit me that while I may find comforting words from others online, I must go to THE Comforter to find the kind of love, grace, support, comfort, and healing that I so desperately crave. I'm not going to find that online and I can't expect it from my friends or family. These past two weeks have been so precious as I've felt the Lord draw me closer to Him in so many ways. He has shown His love for me in ways I couldn't fathom, and without Him there is absolutely no way I'd be getting through this. I recently saw a quote that says, "Time doesn't heal, God does." And I have found that to be so true. Time does nothing, sometimes it even makes it worse, but God comforts me no matter the time of day or how much time has passed.
I realized that the blog posts I have published since we lost our baby have all been about the grief and sadness that I feel. Those posts flowed right out of my fingertips as I typed and I feel like they needed to be written. I don't regret them because I feel like they contain words that women can relate to and they were about things I wanted to read at that stage in my grief. It's nice to read things that validate your feelings. But in the urgency I felt while writing them, I sometimes forgot to highlight the good. And there has been so much good.
First and foremost, I have just felt my heart bursting with love for the Lord. Not that it wasn't before this trial, but my love for Him is increasing daily as I see how intricately He cares for me. He knows exactly how I'm feeling and exactly what I need through each moment of the day to keep going. There have been moments where it suddenly hits me again that I had a miscarriage and our baby died. It's like being punched in the gut and I begin to feel overwhelmed with despair that almost paralyzes me. But then the Lord's presence floods in and relieves my burden. He overwhelms me with His presence so that I can feel nothing else. I can literally feel this happening as His grace washes over me and it is so amazing. It is miraculous! It reminds me how much I truly need Him. He fills the void that I feel. I didn't know it was possible to feel such an emptiness until I miscarried. But the only way I've found to fill that awful void is to fill myself with Him.
I've never gone through a trial before where I literally NEEDED the Lord and His goodness and grace just to get through a day. But oh do I need Him -- His Word, His Spirit, His people, and the music inspired by Him. All of these things are what gets me through each day.
The grief I have felt is physical, I often have headaches from holding back tears and my appetite has changed, I often feel slightly nauseous. But when I turn on a godly song, the tension of my headache lessens. When I soak in His Word and meditate on it I feel better. I truly feel like I must bask in His goodness to find comfort and peace. He is calling me so much closer to Him and it has been so worth all of the pain that I feel.
I've heard people testify in the past of the Lord in a way that I hadn't always been able to completely understand until now. They would be talking about a moment of despair, and they cried out, Abba Father! In tears they explained how it's like saying, "Daddy!" I'll admit I even thought it sounded a little weird, perhaps even disrespectful. But just the other day I was praying and those words just came out of me, it's like they were stored away in my mind subconsciously. I hadn't been thinking about it, but as I was praying it seemed so natural to say it, like there was no better term to use to call my Father Who takes care of me so gently in my time of grief. My heart is constantly exclaiming, "Oh Daddy, I LOVE You! Thank You for holding me in the palm of Your hand!"
The Lord has also used people in my life to comfort me. Text messages and Facebook messages have been sent to me at the perfect time with the perfect words. Several people have sent me beautiful songs with the exact words that I needed to hear. Music has been such a comfort to me -- I've listened to the same songs on repeat for hours. The first two times my husband went back to work one of my best friends, Melissa, invited me over so that I wouldn't have to be by myself. Two of my best friends, Abby and Melissa, put together a little care package the day after we lost our baby containing fuzzy socks, tea, a notebook, candles, tissues, lavender bath salts and body wash, Panera soup, and supplies to make stove-top s'mores all in a really cute tote bag. The Lord also laid it on the heart of my super sweet friend, Elizabeth, to really be there for me. She consistently reached out to me even when I wasn't responding. Even though she doesn't understand the loss I'm enduring, she wants to understand and it's such a gift and now as most people are moving on and forgetting what happened, she is still there asking me how I'm doing and listening.
Inspiration from the Lord has been such a blessing. Not only has He inspired others as they reached out to me but He has also inspired me. The week after we lost our little one several people sent me songs. I noticed pretty quickly that each song mentioned the Lord's hand and began to do a study on it. When I began my study I wrote down the only four qualities of His hand that I could think of. But then I began reading scriptures about the Lord's hand and by the time I had finished I had found 32 qualities:
- Executes plans
- Lays foundations
- Spans the heavens
- Carries/holds our breath
- Satisfies desires
- Cannot be moved
- Holds me
- Is everpresent
I am SO thankful for the way the Lord is providing for me, He is SO good! My heart constantly feels overwhelmed by His love for me and my love for Him! Even though I still feel sad, I have a hope that I know comes directly from Him. When I do have a bad day or someone says something insensitive He is so quick to redeem it with His everpresent hand! And there are so, so, so many more things He has done for me, this post is just the tip of the iceberg. It'd actually be impossible to tell about all He's done for me, but I want to try for He has been so good to me.
I am so thankful for this trial; it is a thorn but it has made the roses so much more meaningful and beautiful in my life. It seems to me like some women are barely affected by a miscarriage. If it weren't for the physical aspect it'd practically mean nothing to them. They move on quickly, not feeling much of a loss. I think I used to be that kind of woman, but the experiences I've had in the last two years have changed me and I'm so thankful for it. As hard as it is to feel this pain, I'm learning so much and it's so worth it. Whatever it takes, Lord, to draw closer to You, that's what I'm willing to do.